i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my shit smells like andre
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
