i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
