Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
