youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
