He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
