Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
