is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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