Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
