I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
