my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
