before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
