So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Drunk is not a location!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Never joke about your clitoris.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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