just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
