Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
