I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
