So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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