i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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