I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
