We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
