LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Princesses don't give blow jobs
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
