I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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