I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
PANTIES FOUND
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
