Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
