textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
