We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize