dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
