U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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