someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk is not a location!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
