i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
