He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
