eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
