She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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