if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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