did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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