whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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