I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
