I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
