We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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