let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
