Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Never underestimate the power of titties
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
