i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can I color on your dick again?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
