All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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