Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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