my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
