Don't make out with my wife yet
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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