I'm so fucking centered right now
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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