I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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