Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
