I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
