I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
