I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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