We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
