Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
