Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
