The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
They have beer where we have blood.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
