so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
