maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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