I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
