There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
